Top 40 Funny Christmas Quotes That Never Outdate

Want to relax a little in the middle of busy preparations for incoming Christmas? Or want to send friends Christmas cards with funny Christmas quotes on? Today we compile some top funny Christmas quotes, sayings or some funny Christmas quotes for cards for our readers to start and spread the Christmas joy.

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Top 20 Funny Christmas Quotes That Never Outdate

1. “Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.”-Victor Borge
2. “Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.”-Bridger Winegar
3. “At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional. ”- Robert Godden
4. “I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.”- Henny Youngman
5. “The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”- Joan Rivers
6. "There has been only one Christmas – the rest are anniversaries." - W.J. Cameron
7. "You know you’re getting old, when Santa starts looking younger."- Robert Paul
8. “Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.”- Author Unknown
9. “Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.”- Author Unknown
10. “From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.”- Katharine Whitehorn, Roundabout

11. "Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you’re home." - Carol Nelson
12. "Thank goodness Christmas is a state of mind. I’d hate for it to be the state of my bank account." - Melanie White
13. "I’m extremely sentimental about Christmas, actually. Every Christmas I still take my socks off and stand them in front of the fireplace." - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise
14. "A true Christmas miracle is when you manage to untangle all your Christmas lights from last year. Double miracle if they still work."- Melanie White
15. “There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” - Erma Bombeck
16. "You can never truly enjoy Christmas until you can look up into the Father’s face and tell him you have received his Christmas gifr."- John R. Rice
17. Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp."- Melanie White
18. "Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas."- Melanie White
19. "Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."- Johnny Carson
20. “Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” -Dennis Miller

Other Funny Christmas Quotes or Sayings

1. "If I could work my will, every idiot who goes about with 'Merry Christmas' on his lips should be boiled with his own pudding, and buried with a stake of holly through his heart!" - Ebenezer Scrooge in "A Christmas Carol" (2009)
2. “One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” -Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter
3. “Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa”- Bart Simpson in “Simpsons”

4. “My worst Christmas? One Christmas morning, I woke up, I ran into the living room and my mother said, 'I just forgot.'”-Rob Burton
5. “I never know what to give my father for Christmas. I gave him $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother.”- Rita Rudner

Top 15 Funny Christmas Quotes for Cards

Also, you may be looking for some funny Christmas quotes to write on a card. Here are top 15 Chrismas quotes will bring laughter to your cards.

1. May your fun be large and bills be small this year. Merry Christmas!
2. I put so much thought into your gift that it’s now too late to get it. Merry Christmas anyways!
3. Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too, until the credit card bills arrive.
4. I put out for Santa.
   Cookies, I mean!
5. Since I brought the presents, I’ve asked Santa to bring you love and happiness!
6. If you look for me at Christmas, Don’t forget to check the local bar!
7. The main thing Jesus and Santa have in common is that they both look good in a beard.
8. My goal this Christmas is to be on both lists: Naughty and Nice.
9. People went to midnight mass not to hear mass, but to let their seatmates hear their snores.
10. “Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.”
11. Last year, I asked Santa for the sexiest person ever for Christmas. I woke up in a box.
12. Christmas, children, is not a date. It is a state of mind.
13. I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.
14. A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.
15. Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.

Christmas is the festival full of joys and happiness. May the closeness of friends and the comfort of come renew your spirits in this special time, also in the New Year 2020 as always.